To paraphrase Ian Curtis in Isolation.
Ample it is in its description of me and especially my evening. Sitting in a dark doorway, cigarette in one hand, tissue in other, i sat crying (weeping if you will) over just who i am and what i am 'supposed' to be.
Fitting in here at University is not as easy as people and things make it out to be. Naturally a lonesome guy, i never thought it would get me this far. Crying in the street is bad enough, but openly crying in the street in front of several passers by is perhaps a low point of my life. To timeline this evening is to look at the night sky - many different things happening at many different times, be they past, present or future. Just coming out of the screening of, what is in my opinion the greatest biopic of a man and a band, 'Control', i suddenly had a rush of emotions. The emotional last scene of the film (and of Ian's life), played over with the greatest of Joy Divisions songs 'Atmosphere', left me thinking. Thinking of life, living and the people surrounding me.
Walking back it hit me like a ton of bricks. The line in 'Atmosphere' that stuck with me and rings throughout my head as i write this is as follows -
"People like you find it easy. Naked to see, walking on air"
Its not much so the words that hit me, but the sense of feeling in which Ian delivers it. The raw deliverance and passion in his voice conveyed so much to me. Feeling weak, i effectively collapsed in the doorway and let loose my emotion. It says so much to me, that line, that it literally knocked me down. Sitting there, i contemplated just how much i miss home. How much i don't 'fit in' here and how desperate i want to be 'free'. Now this all sounds like melodramatic bullshit, and i know it reads like such, but to me, at that very point, it all came together. Its sad that i have to use a complete strangers words to convey my own feelings, and its altogether sad that i am writing this here and now.
Earlier that evening i saw a homeless man begging for change. I thought to myself 'what if that were me?'. I took pity and gave the poor man a pound. Seeing life reduced to begging began me on my self realization that nothing we do on this Earth matters squat. There are those that have it, and those that don't. Whatever your situation, life still ends with death. Once more to paraphrase Ian -
"Existence well what does it matter? I exist on the best terms i can. The past is now part of
my future, the present is well out of hand"
In summary this evening was pretty shit for me, emotionally especially, and i feel that i have really 'betrayed' who and what i am supposed to be.
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2 comments:
this strikes me as the kind of post you'll delete in the morning, but you should really keep it. not necessarily online, but somewhere. it's good.
Becoming emo, a common side effect of thinking too much - i often suffer from this ailment often at night before i sleep.
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